| Monday, April 14, 2008 |
| Only Child Syndrome |
Here's an excerpt from this blog about from an only child:
"Everybody needs people but I have a stubborn independence that denies my need of help. It must stem from trying to console myself for the lack of company. I crave it, but it also threatens me. I don't want to need anybody. I don't want to depend on anybody. I just want to take care of my own. This causes me to shut people out, especially when I need them most. I am unwilling to become vulnerable to someone, because I don't want to give them the chance to hurt me."
Bulls eye. This blog stated what I feel most of the time. My ME time can be attributed to my only child syndrome. I'm always out to prove that I can stand on my own and I hate it when people pity on me
A lot of people envied me when they find out that I am an only child; I don't have to deal with sibling rivalry and I don't have to share my stuff with anyone, especially my parent's attention. Well they've only seen the bright side. What they haven't seen is that I had to deal with loneliness at such a young age - by playing with toys on my own; not being to talk to someone from the same viewpoint about my family. And I need to learn about people skills on a daily basis (and when I think I need to take a break, then I'll spend time by myself).
One of my struggles growing up is that since I'm used with the attention that my parents gave me, I found it difficult for me to accept the real world. I had my own struggles back then and its hard to tell about it without someone about my age giving me advise back then. This experience somehow made me realize that life is not a bed of roses. Maybe this is the reason why I would allow my friends to make their own mistakes and not to become protective because I know that I will deprive them about the things that they need to learn.
Since I'm an only child, I'm the only one that my parents can rely on to take care of them when they grow old. I don't see it as a responsibility; it's my way of giving them back and showing them what I've become because of them. And that would require for me to be really strong. This is the reason why I opted to be away in the meantime; to learn all the things that I need to know in life and to prepare myself for that. I don't have anyone to help me.
Another misconception about being an only child is that we're spoiled. Think again. If you've read what I just wrote, you will see where I'm coming from. Everything has its own advantage and disadvantage. I just hope that I was able to show the other side of the coin. |
posted by subhuman @ 12:15 AM  |
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| Thursday, April 10, 2008 |
| On Solitude.. once again |
Recently I prefer to spend most of my free time alone. I want to have my own plans and I don't want to depend on others. I know that many people may find it weird, especially with the Filipinos whose accustomed in having a companion most of the time. Sometimes, people might ask why I didn't invite them or certain individuals to accompany me. I know that I would encounter these type of questions; but I opt not to answer because I don't think that I have to explain them every action that I do.
Weird as it may sound, I feel free when I'm alone. I don't need to worry about someone else's welfare. I can do anything I want without thinking about the others. And I must say that most of the memorable experiences that I had started with me being alone - I went through my course and stayed in a dormitory without knowing anyone; I was on my own in my first flight going to the US and I didn't know my onshore mates personally; the same thing happened when I started working in my present job. I had my own misadventures as well and I'm proud to say that I was able to get through those things.
Let me remind you that I am not a loner; I have my friends and I know that they treasure me as much as I value them. The last thing that I want when people hear me doing things on my own is pity. Also, I hate it when people starts to become overprotective because I know that I can take care of myself (eventhough I have a childlike disposition) and I know when to ask for help. I know that they're only concern about me but the way I see it, they don't understand the benefits of solitude.
And just like what I've said earlier, I don't need to explain myself any further. |
| posted by subhuman @ 1:01 AM |
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| Restless state |
I don't know what's wrong with me. I felt uneasy and anxious (in other words, hindi mapakali). inspite of all the things that I've been doing - busy workload, weekly rehearsals (which means that I have to study our music sheets), sight singing classes, piano lessons, gym and my household chores (whew!). I don't know, all of a sudden, it just feels like monotonous to me.
Last week, my piano teacher Soo invited me to attend Cafe Immaculatte; a fund raising project to generate funds for the World Youth Day in our parish. Soo is one of the organizers of this event - an acoustic night with an open mic session. Since I had nothing to do that night, I asked Joy, one of my friends here, to come with me since we wanted to do an activity like this for such a long time. Anyway, we had a blast that night and we really enjoyed it :)
And I realized that I wanted to break the monotony that I feel right now. Yes, I am busy but sometimes, doing the same thing makes me feel uneasy. I feel trapped, mingling with the same people that I see in the office, hearing the same stories all over again. If I don't get my ME time anytime soon, I know that I'll become moody and I don't want the people around me to suffer because of that. I think I haven't reached out that much with my choir mates and my church community. Too bad I won't be able to join the Music Camp next month in Singapore which is a good opportunity for me to mingle with my choirmates.
Anyway, I know that this will soon pass. I just need to find my sanctuary. This is the reason why I'd rather spend my weekends alone or doing my own plans. I know I had this before. Maybe I just needed to try on some new things. Anyway, I know it will just happen at the right time. :)
Next week, I'll be on night support. This will definitely keep my mind off from what I feel. At least, I don't have to worry about it during that time. |
| posted by subhuman @ 12:10 AM |
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| Wednesday, April 09, 2008 |
| Falling into places |
Have you ever thought that when something happens in your life and its not something that you've planned, it could actually lead you to something; an event that is meant to have a significant impact to your life?
For example, a few years ago, I had no plans of working as an OFW. I was contented with my previous job; but when things did not turn out well in my career progression, I grabbed the first job offer that I received. Fortunately, it was a good opportunity for me to work abroad. My stint here in Malaysia had taught me a lot of things; which are necessary for me to learn the things in life that I need to know for the future, which pushed me to become a mature (hopefully) individual. Also, my experiences had taught me to love myself, to value my relationships (especially with my family) and to think about priorities in life. And I couldn't imagine myself if I could be the person that I am now if I went to another place.
The same thing goes in relationships. It may sound cliche but most people say that they don't things to happen and for love to come. Everything just fell into the right place and at the right time. I guess that's what the elderly would have to say when they found out that a 20-year-old person is still single: "Darating na lang yan!"
Anyway, wherever our journey leads us, I guess this is just a matter of faith to get through it. We should trust that everything that happens to us for a reason. And for that, we need to open and sensitive to all the lessons that we need to learn, or else, the same thing is bound to happen again |
| posted by subhuman @ 1:17 AM |
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| Thursday, April 03, 2008 |
| We will rock you |
Being a sucker for musicals, my friends Gilbert, Gen and Dru and I travelled all the way to Singapore to watch We will rock you the musical at the Esplanade. MiG Ayesa reprised his West End role as its male protagonist, Galileo Figaro.
We will rock you is a musical that paid tribute to the Queen's biggest hits such as Bohemian Rhapsody, We are the Champions and of course, We Will Rock you. I must admit that the plot is pretty shallow and I agree to what some reviews had pointed out that its weak. But I must say that the ensemble was excellent and the punchlines are funny. It was really entertaining. No wonder, most of the audience gave a standing ovation to the cast. Even though its actually a no-brainer, I enjoyed the show and I could say that the 5-hour travel that we did was all worth it. I highly recommend this show for those who just want to relax and just have a good time. |
| posted by subhuman @ 10:47 PM |
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| Wednesday, March 19, 2008 |
| Paris Je T'aime |
I've been a fan for French romantic movies since I watched Amelie. I was intrigued with the plot of "Love me if you dare" but I can't find a copy of the movie with English subtitles (too bad). When I found out that this movie is going to be shown here in KL, I was excited.
Paris Je T'aime is a compilation of 18 short movies all set in Paris, dealing with what the city is famous for - LOVE. The movie have shown different aspects of love - love at its initial stages, love in times of sickness, love of a grieving mother, love for a dying wife and the list goes on. The theme is light, which makes it genuine.
The story that really struck me is "14ème Arrondissement", a story of a middle-aged single American traveller who studied to speak French in preparation for her "trip of the lifetime". Here is the famous quote in that particular story:
Sitting there, alone in a foreign country, far from my job and everyone I know, a feeling came over me. It was like remembering something I'd never known before or had always been waiting for, but I didn't know what. Maybe it was something I'd forgotten or something I've been missing all my life. All I can say is that I felt, at the same time, joy and sadness. But not too much sadness, because I felt alive. Yes, alive. That was the moment I fell in love with Paris. And I felt Paris fall in love with me.
I highly recommend to watch this movie for those who have a chance to do so. |
| posted by subhuman @ 1:20 AM |
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| Saturday, March 15, 2008 |
| Searching my soul.. |
When I was in grade school, I was very religious and an active participant in most of the church activities - I was with the choir, a member of the Children of Mary, was picked as a lector during our baccalaureate mass and was often asked to become the prayer leader in our school activities. I was once voted as the COM member of the year because of the commitment that I've demonstrated. My parents were usually teased by their friends because they're afraid that I'll end up entering the convent to become a nun (yeah, seriously!).
When I reached my teenage years, my commitment faded. I tried to join the youth ministry but I felt that it did not give me the fulfillment I need spiritually so I slowly drifted away from the Church. I was dealing with my teenage angst back then. All the things that I learned became meaningless. I was battling with my demons. Eventually, I started to question the reason behind every ritual that was imposed on me. I no longer join my parents in praying the rosary and novenas. But I know that this should be normal as I started to grow up; every relationship experience the its own stage of doubts right and without that, its not a real relationship.
But as my journey in life progresses, I can say that I feel His presence in my life. Being away from my comfort zone taught me how to trust Him, and made my existence more meaningful. It may sound cliche but I think its true. He may let me experience some difficulties in life and I know that's the time when He wants to remind me of my relationship with Him.
Allow me to share with you the phrase that really struck me from the homily that I heard 2 Sundays ago. The priest mentioned that as young people, we continue to search for wisdom. And as we go through that journey, it will eventually lead us to Jesus Christ. His teachings serves as a link between reason and faith. This homily gave me hope that even though I don't go to the Church most of the time, it does not mean that I no longer give importance to my faith. I may not read the Bible most of the time but I know that God communicates through the people around me. But by doing this, have I become a good example as a Christian even though I don't go to the Church quite often?
And Christ answered my question. On my way home last weekend from my piano class, I met an exchange music student from Africa. I mentioned to him that I am a member of a choral group. He asked me if I am a Christian because choral groups are associated to Christianity. I said yes. And I realized that by doing what I really love, and enhancing the talent that He gave me, I became a living example of His teachings. |
| posted by subhuman @ 3:15 AM |
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| Tuesday, March 11, 2008 |
| Un-Hopeless Romantic |
On my way home from our choir practice, one of the topics that my choirmates and I chatted is about why both of us were still single. According to him, fate has not intervened yet and he hasn't found that someone that he's intensely attracted to. He said that his friends may think that he's naive and ridiculous (actually I do) but that's what he believes in.
I find his answer quite 'interesting' because its rare for me to hear that kind of point of view from a guy. I mean, I always hear my female friends saying those kind of things, probably because most of us grew up watching or reading fairy tales, and most of girls end up believing that someday, their prince charming will come and rescue them from all the evil witches and spells. But for a guy to say those kind of stuff is something that's really new to me. Or maybe because I haven't asked much around the POV of the opposite sex. Probably, that guy needs to speaks the women's lingo (you know, the happily ever after thingie and not about sex).
I mentioned this to some of my friends and most of them found that answer to be normal. I don't know. And then I realized that most of the people around me opted to become hopeless romantics. I do not consider myself to be one. As much as I loved the movies The Truth About Cats and Dogs, Notting hill and While you were sleeping, I didn't imagine myself that the guy portrayed by Ben Chaplin, Hugh Grant or Bill Pullman will come along and save me from all the burdens that I'm been going through. I used to read the Love Stories and Sweet Dreams book series and I admit that I feel good reading these kind of novels but I really didn't get to the point of imagining myself to be the protagonist in those novels. Probably because I was also exposed with the stories that my mom (who's handling the women's desk) used to share while our family eat dinner - about the stories of women who were abused by their loved ones. At the end of each stories (which could be funny, absurd or heartbreaking), she will always tell me the lessons that I need to know. Most of my hopeless romantic friends thought that I'm the one that they can into whenever they need to get in touch with the real world. Well, its still up to them to decide on what they should do. But if you think that being an unromantic is a good thing, think again. Unlike the hopeless romantics, the point of view that I usually give is always on the safe side. And love is all about taking risks, which makes it beautiful. This now led me to ask myself - until when should I remain this way? Well, I know that when I meet my match, my opinions will changes and someone can make me take that risk. But while waiting for that person to come, I will still continue my role as someone to give my friends their own dose of reality check.
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| posted by subhuman @ 1:03 AM |
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| About Me |
passionate about music; an aspiring teacher; a frustrated mathematician; an explorer |
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