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Sunday, June 10, 2007

Coming out

I am curvy - or what others call FAT. Its in my genes. My cousins from my father's side have the same body type as I do. I was born to have a big bone structure and a slow metabolic rate. So I gain weight easily.

When I was a child, I was a thin kid. I have no trace of bulge in my body. My mother was really worried why I was a sticky kid so she gave me a lot of vitamins and food supplement (batang Sustagen ako noon). Unfortunately, all those vitamins worked for only a few months..

When I entered the adolescence stage, it became evident that I need to watch what I eat as my body blew up easily (ala Aunt Petunia when Harry Potter got mad - nah! that's an exaggerated statement). My mother insisted me to do situps every morning and to reduce what I eat. Yes, I did it when I was a teenager because my mother only told me so. But at that time, I have limited choices when it comes to shopping. As a teenager, I would only stick to the clothes that would fit me - which is limited to jeans and shirt. In other words, I became a boyish kind of person and don't care how I would look like.

Even though I was aware at such a young age, I have a big body, I didn't starve myself to become thin. I'm not crazy to do that. It was only later that I realized why she wants me to lose all the excess bulge. People have offered me food supplements and tea but I did not take it as I was scared in its side effects. If ever I wanted to lose weight, I don't want to do it because I was pressured by people around me. I wanted to do it because of my own motivation.

You see, society in the Philippines is harsh for people like me - especially during commuting. I had a dose of dreadful commuting stories and in order for me to deal with this, I turn into this bitchy person. It was very difficult for me to shop as I can't find my size in clothes that I like, so that's why as much as possible, I don't want to shop. As if this kind of treatment of strangers were not enough, people whom I know (or worse, people whom I was related to) have also made insensitive comments about me.

At first, not wanting to embarass my parents, I just let go of this comments. But later, I realized that I don't want them to see me just as a body; that I'm also human and that I have feelings as well. It is a sad fact that people would not notice my good traits and the things that I have achieved is still nothing because of the way I look.

Being a woman, I was not spared from the "I-am-so-fat" whining of my friends. I know that guys have this kind of dilemma with their girl friends and I can totally relate with them. Most of the time, I am in a good mood and I just ignore these statements. But sometimes, when I had enough, the bitchy side of me comes out so I asked them if they ever bought clothes from the plus size section or if they ever experienced being rejected from an FX. This has been effective to shut them up.

A few years after I got a job, I started to become a member in Fitness first. I religiously did my exercise for 10 months. And I lost a lot of weight. I may not have the model-type of body at that time but it was at that time when I got in touched with my feminine side by wearing makeup. Maybe it was the effect of having endorphines in my body that I become partly confident of myself.

I stopped going to the gym during my onshore assignment; and I lived in an environment that is kind for people like me. I am not frustrated when it comes to shopping as I find my size in the clothes that I like. The average size of an American woman is size 14 - the same category as I have. People are sensitive about your weight and there are enough support groups to lose weight. This is one of the main reasons why I really treasured my onshore experience.

Unfortunately, due to my sedentary lifestyle in the US, I became huge once again. My job became demanding that it became so hard for me to go back to the gym. So my dilemma got back again. I sufferred from low self-esteem which is apparent on the way how I carry myself.

When I moved here in Malaysia, my weight problem became serious - I was obese and I was at my heaviest, partly becaue of my depression with my old job. My gastro-interologist advised me to lose weight to reduce the occurence of my acid reflux disease. With the new environment, I had enough time to go back to the gym and to plan what I eat. Among the Asian countries,it is the Malaysian women who have most weight problems. So the chances for me to find clothes that would fit me is bigger. Also, I find curvy women here who are comfortable with their own skin and I can't help but to be inspired by them. My mode of transportation are limited to bus, cabs and train so I don't encounter the horrible experiences that I used to have way back home.

I was also lucky that I have friends and family who were supportive and made me feel good about myself, and to help me realize that being sexy does not come from the size of the clothes that I wear but on how I look at myself. It helped a lot as I learned to accept myself, and I thank them a lot for their encouragement. And because of this, I started to become confident with the clothes that I wear and to explore with my feminine side. I have started to dress up and to put on makeup. I began getting compliments because of this and it really felt good. I started to became more confident to do the things that I love as well.

I later realized that being a curvy woman is part of my character. It was because of this that I learned to believe in myself so that others will accept me as well, that for others to appreciate me, it should come from me.

So will I wear a bikini when I go to the beach? Probably, not yet. I still don't have enough endorphines for me to do that. But who knows in the future? Only time can tell ;-)

posted by subhuman @ 6:24 PM

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